STAR WARS::Episode Zero
by The Captain
Summary: The story of what happens when Obi-Wan meets his namesake, Obi-one the Second
1. Default Chapter

Note: If you do not have a sense of humor, please leave now.

Another Note: Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to fit this into the

Star Wars Timeline.

Star Wars Episode 0

Luke Skywalker appears out of a spaceship which has just landed on the planet

Hubi. He looks all around.

Luke: What a nice place this is. Let's stay here for a while.

Just then, a huge tentacle reaches out of the ground and pulls Luke into its

cave. He reaches the bottom.

Luke: What a nice monster this is.

Monster: Grrr.

Above him, Han Solo and Princess Leia emerge from the spaceship and look around

for Luke.

Han: Oh well, I guess Luke went and got himself captured by a monster again. 

Too bad for him.

Meanwhile, Luke draws his lightsaber with great dramatic gestures, kills the

monster, screaming, and then in a very dramatic scene draws the force to him and

levitates. Han Solo and Leia are absolutely overjoyed to see their friend

again. Not.

In Darth Vader's headquarters, the councilors of Lord Vader are sitting down to

begin the meal. Vader will join them later. Salak, the general of the Dark

Army, regards his Jello warily. He shakes it in its cup.

Salak: I wonder if this junk is solidified.

His Friend: Probably not.

Salak: Let's see.

Salak turns the jello cup upside down. Just as he is doing this, Lord Vader

enters. Everything is completely silent except one thing:

Jello: Squelch.

The Jello falls out of its cup onto the floor. Vader pretends not to notice as

he walks forward to his seat of honor…

Jello: Squelch.

Vader steps on the jello.

Vader (pointedly and evilly): I though the dog was house trained, Salak.

In a dramatic gesture, he breaks Salak's neck. Salak keels over, dead. His

friends look up at Vader.

Friend (hesitantly): Um…Want some jello? (Offers Vader his cup of jello) Vader

dispatches of him too.

Narrator: Darth Vader sits down with his remaining councilors.

Vader: My…councilors…Luke Skywalker has been reported to be on the planet Hubi,

planning our destruction, as always. I will dispatch a small force to do away

with him. He should not be a problem. Han Solo, on the other hand…he annoys

me. Kill him too. This session is adjourned. Goodbye.

Yoda and Obi-Wan are discussing the future of the Jedi by a fireside.

Obi-Wan: All in all, the future of the Jedi Order looks rather bleak. What

with Luke being our only hope, you know.

Yoda: Agree with you, I must.

Obi-Wan: Well, you know he does have a lot of luck.

Yoda: Needs it, he does.

Obi-Wan: Nod.

Yoda: Sending a small force, Vader is, to hunt him down. For his safety, I

fear.

ObiWan: Personally, I fear for his sanity.

One of the marshmallows Yoda is toasting over the fire explodes.

Yoda blinks and wipes marshmallow off of himself.

Luke, Han, and Leia are approaching the rebel base in a speeder. Luke leans

boredly on his elbow, staring into the distance.

Luke: How much longer?

Han: (rolls eyes)

Luke: How much longer?

Han Solo sighs

Han: You asked that thirty seconds ago.

Luke: But you didn't answer!

Han: That's because you asked thirty seconds before that.

Luke: Oh.

They reach the base. Luke doesn't notice and asks again.

Luke: How much longer?

Han: We're there, you dimwitted dodo!

Luke: Oh.

They go into the building. They take off their gear and go into the command

room, greeted by the soldiers around them. Chewbacca welcomes them gladly. 

R2D2 whistles happily.

At the Jedi Temple:

A Padawan stands before the council. He is about 19. The council addresses

him:

Yoda: What is it you want, young man?

Padawan: I want an adventure.

Yoda: Adventure, you say? Hmmm….

Councilor: He is a reckless youth.

Yoda: Yes, indeed, he is that. Your name, Padawan?

Padawan: Obi-one the second, sir (embarrassed). But you can call me Skip.

Yoda: Obi one the second?

Obi-Wan: What is the world coming to?

Skip: call me skip, please.

Councilor: so, back to this adventure business.

Yoda: Yes. The right job for you, I think we have. Your talents, great

indeed, and useful you may be to this mission.

Skip: Cool! I can't wait to get away from this place and all the little green

dwarfs!

Yoda: Don't push it.

Skip: oh.

Obi-wan: I think I know what you mean. Have the little pink dwarf come with

me.

Yoda: Indeed.

Obi-wan: Come, and I shall tell you about the mission.

They leave.

Obi-wan and skip sit down at a table somewhere.

Skip: So, yo, what's the deal?

Obi-Wan: You're going to have to cut down on that attitude if you want to go. 

I hope you are as skilled as Yoda seems to think and not just another, ruder,

Luke Skywalker.

Skip: Oh. Okay.

Obi-wan: well, "yo", here is the deal. Darth Vader and his followers grow

continuously stronger. They have to be stopped. So, we will assume a disguise.

Skip: Woah, cool!

Obi-Wan: thought you would think so. Anyhow, we find a way to infiltrate

Vader's ship.

Skip: Hold a sec, what does infiltrate mean?

Obi-Wan: Shut up and listen. We take as long as we must to gain Vader's trust. 

Then, when the time is just right, we attack. We then escape on one of the

transports and get as far away as possible as fast as possible.

Skip: That is never going to work.

Obi-Wan: But the force will be with us.

Skip: Yeah, sure, whatever. You may talk about Force, but I'm talking about

reality here, yo. No way we're coming out of this alive…

Obi-wan: Well, if you're too scared…

Skip: Hey! Don't even go there! I'll come with ya.

Obi-wan: Come on, let's go to the practice room and you can show me what you

know.

They leave and go to the practice room where Skip demonstrates his skill with a

lightsaber.

Obi-Wan: Not bad. We'll have to see how good you are under pressure, but I

think you might just do okay.

Skip: Hey, thanks!

Obi-Wan: Despite myself, I'm actually beginning to like you a bit. Anyway, we

leave tomorrow at dawn, so gather your belongings and meet me at the spaceport

in the morning.

Skip: Later.

In the rebel base:

Luke: So what do we have to do now?

Leia: Um… we've had an SOS message from the planet Ilk. Apparently the emperor

has taken over, in search of the mining factories there. The people are in

desperate need of help.

Luke: So what do we have to do now?

Han: Go save them, idiot.

Leia: Yes.

Luke: So what do we have to do now?

Han: Shut Up.

Leia: My thoughts exactly.

Luke: So what do we have to do now?

Han: You know, I've heard of people like this. Their brains are so simple that

they can't stop their train of thought once it gets going. Extremely slow

trains of thought, they are.

Leia: So, in any case, we should be going to help them. How do we do that?

Han: (leaning back in his chair) Well, basically we're going to take a bunch of

fighters and go kick some Imperial butt.

Luke: Cool!

Leia and Han, simultaneously: Shut up.

Luke: Oh.

Luke, Han and Leia are on the Millenium falcon, approaching the planet Ilk. 

About 15 fighters are with them. They land. They are in a dense forest, no one

in sight. Cautiously they advance. A dwelling comes into sight. Han

approaches, gesturing for everyone else to stay back. He knocks on the door and

raggedy looking humanoid enters.

Han: Hello.

Humanoid: I'm not interested.

Han: Huh?

Humanoid: In whatever you're selling.

Han: I'm not selling anything.

Humanoid: Really?

Han: If I may ask your name, and where your loyalties lie?

Humanoid: My name is Dort. I swear loyalty to the Empire.

Han: Well, isn't that a shame?

He pulls out a laser gun and shoots Dort.

Dort: Urkle.

Han: Good riddance.

He goes back to the others and tells them that there is nothing here.

Leia: We'd best take the fighter planes out and see if we can find a city.

Han: Yeah. Okay, everybody we're going back to the ship to get the planes!

They go back and get into the planes, Leia and Han riding with other pilots. 

Quickly they reach a city and land there.

Han: Look at this place.

Leia: Pretty awful. I wonder what happened here.

Luke: Don't worry, be happy! No worries, mate!

Leia: Shut up. Why'd we bring him along anyway?

Luke: Cause I'm a supercalifradgilistic Jedi Knight!

Leia: Oh, right.

Han: Come on, you two, we'd better look for survivors.

Luke: Survive the savage sea!

Han: Not quite.

Leia: well, at least he's got a talent for alliteration

Luke: Mad mobs make mud mercilessly!

Han: Yeah, sure.

Skip meets Obi-wan at the spaceport.

Skip: Wow, this is our ship? It's huge.

Obi-Wan: If you think that's big, just wait till you see the imperial

starships. By their standards this is tiny.

Skip: Well, by my standards it's huge! Let's get on!

Obi-Wan: All right. Come on up.

Skip: You know, I was just wondering, why are we killing Vader now, instead of

a few years ago? this plan would have worked just as well back then.

Obi-Wan: Because even evil can have an important role to play. But now Vader's

purpose is fulfilled. So he dies.

Skip: When my purpose is fulfilled, will I die too?

Obi-wan: Quite possibly. But your time might not come for centuries yet, so

why worry?

Skip: Good point, old man.

They board the ship and take off, and jump into hyperspace.

Skip: I feel sick…

Obi-Wan: Oh great.

Skip: Just kidding.

Obi-Wan: Save me the anguish, please.

Skip: Nah, I've got plenty of anguish to go around, you can have some.

Obi-wan rolls his eyes. They jump into hyperspace.

In Darth Vader's Ship, which has landed on the planet where they have learned

the rebel base is:

Commander Aki, entering room full of other officers: Quick, ready the men. 

Captain Vader believes that the base is located on this planet, or somewhere in

this system. We need scanning crews right now.

Lieutenant: Aye aye, Sir!

Pilots get into small ships and take off. They circle the planet, looking for

the base. One plane notices something on the ground far below him. He lands,

and after some searching finds what he is sure is a trap door. Speaking into

walkie-talkie thing:

Pilot: This 5K27, reporting to base.

Voice: Roger.

Pilot: No, 5K27, not Roger.

Voice: Just give the dang message.

Pilot: I believe I have located the rebel base.

Voice: I am sending troops immediately.

(Ominous music plays)

On Obi-Wan's ship

Skip: where are we now?

Obi-Wan: Approaching the Spumk System.

Skip: What kind of a name is that for a star system?

Obi-Wan: shrug

Skip: How do we know where to find the imperial ship anyway.

Obi-Wan: First we head to the planet Ilp, the location of the rebel base. From

there…the force will guide us.

Skip: Yeah, sure.

Obi-Wan: Speaking of the force, just because you're on a mission does not make

you exempt from school. We will have to work on some of your lessons while

you're here.

Skip: Oh, screw them! Don't be an old idiot.

Obi-Wan: (ignoring his comments) We'll start with meditation-

Skip: Obi-Wan! Something up ahead!

Obi-Wan: What? (Looks out front window) Asteroid belt. Just our luck. 

(Begins steering the ship wildly, trying to avoid them)

Skip: We're all going to die! Oh, why, oh, why! I'm sorry for everything I

ever did to anybody! We're going to die! Obi-One the Second dies today!

Obi-Wan: Oh, can it. We're most certainly not going to die. And I wish you

wouldn't say that name. It grates on my nerves.

Skip: Try having it be your name and see just what it does to your nerves then.

They dodge the last of the asteroids.

Obi-Wan: See? We're still alive.

Skip: Oh. (Pause) Well, you know, I never really thought we were gonna die, ya

know, I was just trying to freak you out, old man.

Obi-Wan: I know you don't really talk like that so cut it out.

Skip: Man, how don't know nothing, so you just gonna leave me alone, awright?

Obi-Wan: By the power vested in me by the Jedi Order I declare this organism a

disgrace to humankind. According to galactic laws such creatures are

immediately dumped into outer space without a helmet…

Skip: NO! No! I'll be good! I promise! Don't dump me!

Obi-Wan: I was just joking. There isn't even any such law.

Skip: I wasn't really scared that time either. I was just playing with ya.

Obi-Wan: knowing smile.

Han and Leia and their allies search through the debris, but find no survivors.

Leia: Han look!

Han: what?

Leia: There's something coming.

Han: (looks up into the sky, alarmed) Imperial fighters. I should have known. 

Come on, everybody, get to the ships, fast!

Luke: I'm singing in the rain, what a glorious feeling, I'm happy and gay, I'm

singing in the rain, what a glorious feeling…

Han: Can we just leave him behind?

Leia: No. Luke, come on, it's not even raining.

Luke runs after them and boards a ship. They take off and engage in a short air

battle with the imperial ships. Several rebel ships blow up, unfortunately not

Luke's, and soon all the imperial ones are gone.

Han: Let's get back to the Falcon. There's nothing more we can do here. 

Especially now that the Empire has been alerted to our position.

On the planet of the rebel base, Darth Vader's troops are approaching the base. 

Darth Vader's March.

On the Millenium Falcon, hurtling off into the blackness of space:

Han: I'm usually not a pitying type of guy, you know, but that was pretty

awful.

Leia: I wonder how many people died there…

Luke: John Brown's Body lies a moldering in his grave, john brown's body lies a

moldering in his grave…

Han: Do you still have any of that tranquilizer you used on the Itoki?

Leia: Yes.

Han: Chewy, would you go get it?

Chewbacca: Roar.

Chewbacca returns with it.

Han: Give the Jedi a poke with that needle, will ya?

Chewy does. Luke slumps into sleep.

Han: Let's get some rest. The ship can take care of itself until we leave

hyperspace.

Han and Leia go to their room. Han picks up a sheet of paper.

Han: Hey, Leia.

Leia: Yes?

Han: I've got something I want to read to you.

Leia: Oh really?

Han: Don't make fun of me. I worked EXTREMELY hard on this. (laughs). Sort

of.

Leia: All right, let's hear it.

Han: I wrote it for you, you know. Here goes:

Once upon a midnight dreary

A rose was a rose was a rose was a rose

Now upon a midnight stormy

A rose is a rose is a rose is a rose

Soon upon a midnight starry

A rose will be a rose will be a rose will be a rose

And for all time on midnights every day

A rose is a rose was a rose will be a rose is a rose

Leia: Oh, Han, that's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.

Han: Ha. You're kidding right? (softly, expecting to be denied)

Leia: Yeah, actually I am. It was pretty awful.

Han: No one appreciates true art when they hear it!

On the planet of the rebel base:

Darth Vader's troops enter the base, and rampage through it, shooting everyone

they see. Resistance is futile. They reach the command chamber, where they

think Luke and Han and Leia will be.

They enter, and the soldiers immediately begin shooting everyone. Darth Vader

searches around, and when he realizes that Luke is not there, he screams:

Darth Vader: Noooooooooooooo! Where is the Jedi? Bring him to me! Arghhhhh! 

He can not be left to roam free!

Commander-person: Yes, sir, right away, sir Vader.

On obi-Wan's ship:

The hologram thingy comes on with Yoda speaking.

Yoda: Obi-wan. Distressing news, I have.

Obi-wan: What?

Skip: Did somebody die? Where? Can I see?

Yoda: Received word, have I, that Darth Vader has destroyed the alliance's base.

Obi-Wan: Luke! Han, and Leia! Are they OK?

Skip: Who's Luke?

Obi-Wan: You don't want to know.

Yoda: No, Feel they are safe, I do.

Obi-Wan: Oh darn.

Yoda: Not nice, that is.

Obi-Wan: But he is an idiot.

Yoda: But the Jedi's last hope, he is.

Obi-Wan: What about Skip? He's a Jedi too.

Yoda: A Jedi, he is not yet. The discipline to pass the trial, he may not

have.

Obi-Wan: Well neither did Luke, we just let him be a Jedi cause he was

bothering us.

Yoda: Everything is done for a reason.

Obi-Wan: Except making Luke a Jedi.

Skip: Fight, fight!

Obi-Wan: He's a hologram, you idiot. I can't exactly kill a hologram. Not

that I would want to, sorry, master Yoda.

Yoda: Leaving, I am, now.

Skip: Green freak.

Obi-Wan: So, Darth Vader has destroyed the base. If he has indeed that much

power, I think it is good that we have such a subtle plan.

Skip: Why didn't you pulverize the little green freak?

Obi-Wan: We've been over this already. He was a hologram. Do you know what a

hologram is?

Skip: Oh, shut up.

Obi-Wan: You don't know what a hologram is, do you? (Almost pityingly)

Skip: (Silence.)

Obi-Wan: Oh well, if you don't want to know. Don't know how anyone raised in

the Jedi Temple could not know what a hologram is. Well, anyhow I'd better take

the ship back into hyperspace if we're going all the way to the rebel base. (he

does so)

Skip: This isn't exactly what I'd call an adventure, you know.

Obi-Wan: Well, if you don't like it you can always go back to the Jedi temple

with Yoda. Though I don't know how you'd manage that seeing as I've got the

only ship hereabouts.

Skip: (stomps off to his cabin)

Skip lies down on his bed and tries to go to sleep. He falls into a dream:

Skip is on a spaceship. Darth Vader's space ship. He is alone. He has a

lightsaber. Suddenly Darth Vader appears out of the air in front of him,

drawing his own lightsaber. Skip begins to fight with him. Just as he is

tiring and is about to be killed, the scene fades and is replaced by a new one.

Skip is on the surface of a jungle planet. He is walking beside Luke

Skywalker. Luke appears as a great Jedi knight as skip believes him to be. 

They are talking, but skip cannot hear the words. The scene fades.

A dark procession marches onward. Skip sees that it is a funeral, and he asks

someone near him who has died. The person answers: Obi-wan, it is. Skip

gulps. He watches as the coffin proceeds down the street.

Skip wakes up, scared. He runs onto the bridge of the ship, just making sure

that obi-wan is still there.

Skip: Obi-Wan?

No answer.

Skip looks around and then hears a soft explosion and a few curse words. He

follows the sound and finds obi-wan working on some gizmo.

Skip: What's up?

Obi-wan: This thing isn't working properly. The hyperdrive won't initiate.

Skip: Let me see. (he examines the hyperdrive generator for a second and then

tweaks some thing.) There. It should work now.

Obi-Wan: How'd you do that?

Skip: Simple enough. The revolving transformer and the core wires were

tangled, so the energy switch got out of alignment.

Obi-Wan: You could tell all that just by looking at it?

Skip: Sure.

Obi-Wan: Pretty good for someone who doesn't seem to know what a hologram is. 

(skip glares at him)

Skip: You can go get us into hyperspace, old man. I'm not going to sit around

here forever waiting for an adventure.

Obi-Wan: Oh please.

Skip walks back to his room. He carefully locks the door behind him, and then

rummages around in his backpack until he finds a book, one of his lesson books. 

He flips around pages for a while then opens it to a place marked:

Holograms: illusory devices used for communication that cause the communicators

to appear to be in front of each other.

Skip closes the book and goes back out onto the bridge. He sits down at the

copilot's seat and watches hyperspace.

On Han Solo's ship:

Han: Leia, Luke, come up here.

Leia: What

Luke: Up, Up, and Away!

Han: There's something wrong the ship isn't responding to me.

Leia: Is it possible some imperial guy messed with it?

Luke: Spaghetti and Meatballs! (runs around cabin acting like an airplane)

Han: You know, I've seen Luke in action. Once he's got a lightsaber in his

hand, he sort of gets most of wits back.

Leia: That's good to know.

Han: But if we don't get the Falcon fixed soon, we're heading straight for a

crash landing on the planet Actille.

Leia: I've never heard of that place!

Han: Neither has anybody else, so we'd better not get stuck there.

Leia: Okay. Luke, come on. We've got to get this ship fixed. I know you're a

wizard with mechanics.

Luke: We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz…

Leia: (kindly) that's right Luke, but we won't get to see him if the ship isn't

fixed.

Luke: OH NO!

Leia: That's right, so we'd better get to work on it right now.

Luke: Oh yessss, indeed, indeed, indeed….We're off to see the wizard, the

wonderful wizard of Oz!

Leia: Come on. Should I call you Dorothy? No, I suppose I should call you

the Scarecrow, since he's the one without a brain. (sigh) well, maybe after we

get to see this wizard whoever he is, you'll get one.

Han: Get to work! Crash landing is scheduled for 1400 hours! That's in 10

minutes!

(they work as the time passes exaggeratedly fast as it only can in a movie. As

the crucial moment comes they have made almost no progress)

Leia: I think you can control it a little now. Maybe enough to have a smooth

landing down there.

Han: Well, here goes. (With some difficulty he achieves a fairly good landing

in a marsh down on the planet)

They get out cautiously and look around.

Han: Let's see if there's any intelligent life out here.

Luke: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Leia: What!?

Luke: A Spider!

Leia: Oh.

Han: Shh! I hear something. And it's not a spider.

Something moves in the bushes and Han screams: Run! just as furry hands tie them

up securely with a rope.

Luke: there was a farmer had a dog and bingo was his name, oh, B I N G O, B I N

G O, and bingo was name, oh!

Leia: What does that have to do with anything right now, Luke.

Han: No he's right. Look at our captors. There's something definitely canine

about them.

Leia: Oh Dear. Big vicious dogs with opposable thumbs. Just what this

universe needs.

Han: Not afraid of dogs, are you?

Leia: Oh no… they just have very big teeth, you know.

Luke: And, Grandma, Why are your teeth so big? The better to eat you with, my

dear.

Han: Luke put a sock in it.

Luke: I'm not wearing any socks. Or any underwear, for that matter.

Han: That's really more than we needed to know.

Luke: oh, okay.

The doglike creatures gesture for them to be silent, implying the violent things

that will happen if they do not comply. The captives are dragged into the

Canine camp. One of the creatures makes a noise, and another appears, who, by

his clothing, is the leader. Or rather by the fact that he has clothing at all;

the others don't.

On the planet of the Rebel Base, Darth Vader's troops march back to the ship. 

Once on board they lift off.

Vader: Put me through the Jedi temple.

Commander: But, sir…

Vader: Now. (Holds up his hand menacingly)

Commander: Yes, sir, of course, sir.

A hologram of Yoda appears.

Yoda: What do you want with me?

Vader: Where is the Jedi?

Yoda: Skywalker's location, I cannot tell you. Nor would I, if I could.

Vader: Where is he? Why is he not here?

Yoda: Changed very little, you have, from the time you were an apprentice here.

Vader: You must have sent him on a mission somewhere.

Yoda: No mission have I sent him on.

Vader: Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention, your pitiful little rebel base is

destroyed.

Yoda: Indeed, it is, Vader. One battle, you have won. But to win the war, you

have yet.

Yoda disconnects and his hologram disappears.

Vader: He is no help. We will just have to find Skywalker ourselves. Leave

now! I wish to meditate.

Commander: Yes, sir, of course, sir, right away, sir, as you wish, sir, indeed,

sir, your highness, sir, I am at your command, sir, Lord Vader, sir.

Vader: GO!

They leave and Vader sits down and concentrates.

Vader mutters: Yes…I feel the force…I can sense the Jedi's presence. Where are

you, Skywalker? I will find you…

On Obi-Wan Kenobi's ship:

Skip: So, yo, you haven't actually told me how this plan of yours is going to

work.

Obi-wan: Well, a lot of the details have yet to be worked out…

Skip: Have yet to be worked out! We're nearly to his ship!

Obi-Wan: Well, what we do when we get there is disguise ourselves as an

imperial ship docking. We have enough information from our spies to be able to

do this. We then sneak into the main ship.

Skip: How?

Obi-wan: That's one of the things that has yet to be worked out.

Skip: Oh, great. (Pretends to be a news broadcaster or something) Hello,

everybody, this is Obi-One the second coming to you from outer space, where some

idiot named Obi-Wan, that's with a W--A--N, is trying to infiltrate imperial

ships without a danged plan! Yesterday we asked you your opinion about this

venture, and the results are in. An overwhelming number of you sent in your

responses. It seems as though a very large number of you—one billion thousand

or something like that—a one with a bunch of zeroes after it,

basically—responded by saying that Obi-Wan would soon be little bitty molecules

of space dust. On the other hand, an entire 17 of you said that his plan would

probably work. Let's look at the names of these 17: Let's see, we have Stupid

Steven, and Gullible Gus, and Idiotic Irving, and Crazy Calvin, need I go on? 

This is Obi-One the second signing off, see you tomorrow, if I'm still alive.

Obi-Wan: That's very nice. But trust in the force, young Padawan. Someday you

will learn that what is meant to happen will, regardless of the seeming

impossibility. Balance must be brought to the force.

Skip: Yeah, uh-huh, sure, whatever.

Obi-Wan: Yeah. Uh-huh. You know, the force is sort of like duct tape…

Luke: Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack!

Han and Leia watch, amazed, as Luke's antics captivate the complete attention of

the canine creatures.

Luke: Quaaaaaaack! (Bow)(Creatures clap)

Leia: Han! How are you doing on those ropes?

Han: A few more seconds, princess, and we'll be out of here. I don't know how

Luke does it, but he's going to save our life by distracting them.

Leia: Maybe so, but if only I could get my hands on some duct tape to close his

mouth with…

Vader: Commander Aki?

Aki: Yes, Lord Vader?

Vader: Fighter ship 5F023 has been damaged. Apply duct tape.

Aki: Yes, sir.

Han: Okay, I've got it. Let me work on yours.

Luke: And then Jack fell down, and he broke his crown, and then Jill came

tumbling after. Uh-huh. Yeah. That's what happened.

Leia: Okay let's go. Grab Luke and make a break for it. I don't know what

those creatures intended to do with us, but I'm not waiting around to find out.

(Han grabs Luke and runs with Leia to where they know they left their ship. As

the Canines come after them, they board and take off not a moment too soon, as

always happens in movies.)

Leia: You got Luke?

Han: Yeah. Let's get this thing out of here.

Leia: I just remembered something.

Han: What?

Leia: The ship isn't working properly -- that's why we landed here in the

first place. We can't take off.

Han: Uh-Oh, princess, you better go get to work on the engine, I'll see if I

can get the Jedi to do a few lightsaber tricks on those things.

(Luke comes rushing out of spaceship, Lightsaber held high and begins chopping

down Canines as fast as possible. When one sees him approaching it says

mournfully, Quack?, and then is cut down by the lightsaber)

Han and Leia work quickly trying to fix the engine. Finally Han thinks he got

it and calls Luke back in.

Han: Okay, here goes. (He pulls a few levers and gets the ship to rise a few

meters.)

Leia: Looks good…

Just then the ship crashes back down.

Han: Yeah. Real great.

Leia: What do we do now? I don't plan to spend the rest of my life stuck on

planet Canine.

Han: It's the planet Actille, not Canine.

Leia: As though I cared.

Han: I've got a couple of distress beacons in here somewhere—

Leia: Good! Send those off.

Han: I don't know…this is not a really well traveled section of space.

Leia: Do you have a better idea?

Han: No, not really. Okay, I'll send it off. Hopefully somebody will see it.

Leia: What about them?

Han: We'll just wait and see what they do.

On Obi-Wan's Ship:

Skip: How long can it take to get to Vader's ship?

Obi-Wan: Quite a long time if you don't know where it's located.

Skip: Where are WE located?

Obi-Wan: A little known corner of the galaxy.

Skip: Why are we here? The Imperial ships wouldn't come here.

Obi-Wan: Oh yes they would. At a time like this, when Imperial support is

falling fast, they want to stay out of most people's way. And also, the rebel

base is not far from here.

Skip: What's that planet?

Obi-Wan: I don't know…let me see. (Does something on computer). It's a little

planet called Actille. Inhabited by a type of canine life form, results of an

unsuccessful attempt at using genetic manipulation on man's best friend.

Skip: What are they like?

Obi-Wan: Who knows? Nobody wants to risk their own skin to go there to find

out. Could be vicious.

Skip: I wanna go there!

Obi-Wan: Why ever?

Skip: To be the first!

Obi-Wan: Maybe some other time. When you've grown up a bit more. We have a

mission now.

Suddenly something starts beeping.

Obi-Wan: Skip! Pull out of hyperspace.

Skip: Why?

Obi-Wan: For once, shut your mouth and just do it, okay?

Skip does so.

Obi-Wan: There. A beacon. You see that little thread of light? That's it.

Skip: That's what?

Obi-Wan: A beacon. Somebody down there needs help.

Skip: You mean we get to go down on Actille after all?

Obi-Wan: Afraid so.

Skip: Too cool! Those Canines are probably eating some person, and tearing

their guts out, and they somehow managed to send off a distress beacon. I hope

there's lots of blood! Skip to the Rescue! I will save the day and keep an

innocent soul from dying at the hands, or rather paws, of those horrible

creatures! Then again, he's probably already dead, if they're trying to eat

him. Oh well.

Obi-Wan maneuvers the ship onto the surface of the planet. It squelches when it

lands.

Skip: Ewww, marsh mud.

Obi-Wan: Out you go! (Pushes Skip out the door)

Skip falls out into the mud.

Skip: What'd you do that for?

Obi-Wan: You're the one who wanted an adventure Actille. Falling flat on your

face in the mud is an important part of that experience.

He starts to walk away, and stops by a tree in the field they landed in. He

gazes out into the distance, trying to feel in the force where the

beacon-senders where. Suddenly he whispers: Luke!

Skip: What? Luke Skywalker's here?

Obi-Wan: Unfortunately.

Skip: you mean I'm going to actually rescue Luke Skywalker? A Jedi knight? 

I'm rescuing a Jedi Knight?

Obi-Wan: don't get too overjoyed. Luke isn't exactly like he may seem to

someone who's never met him.

Skip: (ignoring him) Cool! Let's go! Where is he?

Obi-Wan: (very sternly) Padawan! Feel in the force. The presence of a Jedi

Knight is not hard to locate.

Skip concentrates excitedly.

Skip: I don't feel anything.

Obi-Wan: You have to sort of calm down a bit first.

Skip tries again. In a few seconds he opens his eyes in surprise.

Skip: I feel it! Over there. (He points over a mountain range) How're going

to get over those mountains? Are we going to take the ship?

Obi-Wan: My ship is not really built for travel within one planet, but I think

that that is what we will have to do.

Skip runs back to ship and almost takes off without Obi-Wan, who barely manages

to leap on board in time.

Obi-Wan's Ship lands on the other side of the mountains. They can see Luke's

ship nearby. Skip runs excitedly towards it, anxious to meet the great Jedi

knight. Obi-Wan watches him sadly, knowing that great disappointment awaits.

Skip: Hey! Luke Skywalker!

Luke, Han and Leia come out. Obi-Wan has caught up with him by now.

Skip: Hey! Where's Luke.

Obi-Wan: He's there.

Skip: No he's not. I see Han, and Leia, and some demented drooling idiot.

Obi-Wan: I've got some bad news, Skip………..

Skip: WHAT? Where's Luke? Did he die?

Obi-Wan: Worse than that, I'm afraid.

Skip: Was he killed?

Obi-Wan: Worse even than that.

Skip: Did Vader capture him?

Obi-Wan: Sadly, it's worse even than that.

Skip: WHAT HAPPENED? I want to meet Luke! He's my idol.

Obi-Wan: Poor child. Skip…I'm afraid this will be rather distressing for you. 

You know that drooling demented idiot you mentioned earlier? Well, that's Luke

Skywalker.

Skip: Oh, don't joke around with me. Um…you are joking, right?

Skip runs up to Luke.

Skip: What's your name, Mr. Idiot?

Luke: Luke.

Skip: You guys are plotting against me!!!!!!!!

Han: Huh? What do you mean?

Skip: Everybody's trying to tell me that this idiot is the great Jedi Knight

Luke Skywalker.

Han: Afraid so, kid.

Han and Leia walk past him and go to greet obi-wan.

Luke: I'd Like an extra large with anchovies and lots of cheese.

Skip: That's great. Just great.

Skip Stalks off somewhere.

Obi-Wan greets the people.

Han: Hey, grandpa, haven't seen you in ages.

Leia: Now that's not nice, Han. You wouldn't be alive now if it weren't for

Obi-Wan.

Obi-Wan: All too true.

Han: Shut up.

Obi-Wan: Well, I came here to rescue you. What's the problem?

Han: Our ship broke down. And these weird Canine things are trying to eat us.

Obi-Wan: That's strange. I don't seem to see anything trying to eat you.

Han: Well, they were.

Obi-Wan: Well, I think I'd better go check on Skip…he was somewhat in awe of

who he thought Luke Skywalker would be, you know.

Han: Poor kid.

Obi-Wan: And anyway, he's got a talent for machines. If anybody can fix your

ship, it's him.

Han: Well, then, better go find him and get him out of whatever mood he's in.

Obi-Wan walks into the forest and finds Skip, sulking on the ground.

Obi-Wan: I'm sorry that Luke sort of disappointed you.

Skip: Sort of?

Obi-Wan: Ok, I'm sorry that Luke really disappointed you.

Skip: Why didn't you tell me he was like that?

Obi-Wan: I did. Several times.

Skip: Did not.

Obi-Wan: Did too.

Skip: Did not.

Obi-wan: Did too.

Skip: Did not.

Obi-Wan: Did too. You just weren't listening.

Skip: Well, then why didn't you MAKE me listen? It was rather important.

Obi-Wan: You can't make someone listen to you when they clearly don't want to

hear anything you have to say.

Skip: Why is Luke like that anyway? I thought he was super Jedi Knight.

Obi-Wan: It's a long story. And anyway, he is an awfully good fighter. But,

once he doesn't have anybody left to kill, he's…well…he's a drooling demented

idiot. Sometimes he's extremely helpful though.

Skip: Yeah. Sure. I'll believe it when I see it.

Obi-Wan: Yeah. Me too. But that's what Han and Leia keep telling me. But if

you don't mind, we have to get going. The whole world is not going to come to

an end because Obi-One the Second's visions of Luke Skywalker are crushed. We

have to help them get their ship fixed so they can leave.

Skip: (brightening) They need to have their ship fixed? I can do that!

Obi-Wan: Well, then, go do it.

Vader: Commander! What sector of space are we in now?

Commander Aki: The Actillian sector, sir. We are not yet far from the Rebel

planet.

Vader: Ah…indeed. Luke's presence is strong here. He is somewhere nearby.

Aki: The ship was about to enter hyperspace, Lord Vader. Do you wish us to

stay in this sector?

Vader: Yes, commander. Do not go into hyperspace. Have every planet in this

sector inspected, and stop any ships in the area.

Aki: Yes, sir.

Commander Aki leaves. Vader marches off. Look carefully behind him; a little

tiny leprechaun merrily (sort of) plays Darth Vader's March on his trombone. 

Crabbily Vader bends down so his head is right next to the end of the

Leprechaun's trombone.

Vader: Must you always play that stupid song?

Leprechaun: Yes, sir. It's your theme song, sir.

Vader: Oh really? Well, must you follow me everywhere I go?

Leprechaun: Yes sir. It's in the job description, sir.

Vader: Don't you get tired walking around all day playing your trombone?

Leprechaun: Yes sir. But it's my job sir. Lord Vader must have his theme

song. It's expected of a Dark Lord to have a theme song. Played on a trombone.

Vader: Well. Then. You're fired.

Leprechaun: You can't do that sir. I am employed by a Higher Authority.

Vader: I am the highest authority.

Leprechaun: No you're not sir. You are mere grain of sand in the seashore that

is eternity.

Vader: Well, you're a smaller grain of sand. I could squash you under my

little finger.

Leprechaun: that, sir, is a good point. Perhaps I will stop talking now, that

I don't endanger my life through comments that you may not appreciate.

Leprechaun resumes playing on his trombone. Vader growls at him.

Vader: You're not a very good trombone player anyway.

Leprechaun does not stop playing.

Vader: I was a much better trombone player when I was young. Better than

everybody I knew and most definitely better than you. I even made my own

trombone.

Leprechaun does not stop playing.

Vader turns on his heel and continues walking towards where ever he was going.

The leprechaun follows him obediently blowing on his trombone. After a moment

Vader stops and bends back down to the leprechaun.

Vader: You'd better not tell anyone that I used to play trombone.

Leprechaun does not stop playing.

Vader: If you do, I'll stuff you up the end of that thing.

Leprechaun stops playing long enough to say: That wouldn't work sir, It's not

big enough for me to fit in.

Vader: I'll make you fit. I'll dice you into little tiny squares until they

are small enough to go up the end.

Leprechaun: (meekly) Oh.

Leprechaun resumes playing.

Vader: I hope that that threat is enough for you to keep secret.

Leprechaun keeps playing.

Vader snorts and continues walking wherever he was going.

Skip examines a panel of wires and mechanisms that is the Millenium Falcon's

control panel.

Skip: Pliers please.

Han: Luke, go get the kid some pliers.

Luke: I've been working on the railroad, I've been working on the railroad…

Skip winces but continues his work. Luke brings him the pliers.

Skip: Thanks. I see your problem. The wire that connects this control panel

to the ship's main engine is all frayed.

Han: See, now, here's a smart kid. Why didn't you two think of that?

Leia: I'm no good with machines. It's not my fault. And Luke…well, he's a

demented drooling idiot. You can't exactly blame him for not having that idea.

Skip: But I thought Luke was good with machines!

Han: Well, he is…as long as it doesn't involve any deductive reasoning or use

of logic.

Skip: Oh. Well, it's fixed. Why don't you try to take off, and see if it

works. There might be some other problem I haven't found yet.

Obi-Wan: Oh, I seriously doubt that. You're quite good at this, Skip, you

know. Such talent could easily land you a top job somewhere if…if you don't

make it as a Jedi.

Skip: Are you trying to insult me?

Obi-Wan: Oh, no…but you should have a backup plan in case it doesn't work out.

Skip: Oh really.

Obi-Wan: Really.

Han begins to lift off.

Han: Seems to be working fine. Thanks a million, kid.

Skip: You're welcome.

Leia: Obi-Wan, where are you headed?

Obi-Wan: Well, we're going towards Darth Vader's Star Cruiser.

Leia: Whatever for?

Obi-Wan: To try to plant a couple of spies, namely the two of us, on his ship. 

We have reason to believe he is somewhere in this sector.

Han: That can't be true! I mean, he'd most definitely better not be, or Luke

and the rest of us are in big trouble. Last time I had a run in with that guy I

ended up very uncomfortably frozen in carbonite.

Obi-Wan: We will try our best to avoid a similar occurrence.

Han: I'm sure you will.

Obi-Wan: And where are you going?

Han: We were just on our way back to the Rebel Base.

Obi-Wan: Oh…you mean you didn't know?

Han: What?

Obi-Wan: The rebel base was destroyed.

Leia: Oh no!

Obi-Wan: Oh yes.

Han: Well. Then I guess we have no reason to go back there.

Leia: Did they kill…everyone?

Obi-Wan: That's what I hear. But it is quite possible that some escaped in

time, or were away on other missions as you were.

Luke: Oh How Tragic!

Leia: Indeed.

Obi-Wan: On that note…Yoda has prepared a special serum for Luke. It is as yet

untried, but Yoda believes that it may help him recover some sanity. Its side

effects, however, are not known.

Han: Geesh, anything that will make Luke slightly less annoying is worth the

try. I don't care if it makes him sprout and extra head or two as long as he

gets a bit more in tune with the world around him.

Obi-Wan: Okay. Here it is. (Pulls bottle out of cloak and gives to Han)

Leia: Thank you ever so much. And you too, Skip, thanks for fixing our ship.

Skip: Oh.

Obi-Wan: Well, I'll see you soon. You'll head back to Coruscant, I guess? The

Jedi council will no doubt be happy to give you lodging.

Han: Yes, I think that's just what we'll do.

Obi-Wan and Skip wave goodbye again and get back in there ship and take off.

Han: Hey Leia, let's feed Luke some of this junk and see if it really works.

Leia nods and takes the bottle and shoves a few pills down Luke's throat.

Skip sits silently in his seat, sulking. Obi-wan pays no attention to him—his

complete attention is fixed on flying the ship and trying to locate Darth

Vader's star cruiser.

Something starts beeping.

Obi-Wan: I think we found it.

Skip: (silence)

Obi-Wan: Oh, come on. You're the one who wanted an adventure. Well, we're

about to have one.

Skip:

Obi-Wan: Get yourself at the controls. Steer the ship while I talk to their

command deck.

Skip: (nothing)

Obi-Wan: Well, all right, if you don't want to do so of your own will, I can

always make you do it.

He does a jedi hand gesture thing and says: Now, you say: Yes sir, Obi-Wan

sir, of course I can steer the ship.

Skip tries to stop himself from saying so, but: Yes sir, obi-wan sir, of course

I can steer the ship.

Skip can't help but begin to do so.

Obi-Wan, into walkie-talkie like thing: This is number 6k023, asking for

permission to dock.

Voice: 6k023? Our information says that ship 6k023 was destroyed.

Obi-Wan: Your informant erred. (does Jedi hand thing) We have permission to

dock.

Voice: You have permission to dock.

Obi-Wan: You will now go throw a pie in Darth Vader's face.

Voice: I will now go throw a pie in Darth Vader's face.

Obi-Wan: Your name is Bob.

Bob: My name is Bob.

Skip: What'd you do that for?

Obi-Wan: Even a Jedi has to have fun once in a while.

On Darth Vader's ship.

Someone knocks on Vader's door.

Vader: Who knocks?

Bob: It is I, bob.

Vader: And what business do you have?

Bob: I have some things I must talk to you about. Very urgent.

Vader: All right, you may enter.

Bob enters, runs up to Vader and smashes a pie in his face.

Vader coldly and menacingly wipes pie off his mask. Then he kills Bob.

Vader: That idiot has the stink of Jedi all over him. They are near.

Obi-Wan: I trust that you have been taught how to make yourself inconspicuous

using the force.

Skip: yeah, sure, duh.

Obi-Wan: Quick quiz: What does inconspicuous mean?

Skip: Well, you know, it means, you know, something, yo, or something like

that, yeah.

Obi-Wan: It means unnoticeable. Basically the same thing as invisible. You say

you know how do to this. Show me.

Skip concentrates.

Obi-Wan: you're still conspicuous.

Skip: huh?

Obi-Wan: Noticeable. Visible.

Skip: Well, YOU do it.

Obi-Wan does so. He disappears.

Skip: wow, dude, too cool. You've got to show me how. Um..obi-wan? Where are

you? Hello? Um…you can become conspicupous or whatever again now. Obi-wan………

Obi-Wan's voice: The only way you can see those who are invisible is to be

yourself invisible.

Skip: oh….but I don't know how to do that.

No answer.

Skip concentrates fiercely. Suddenly he can faintly see Obi-Wan…but that vision

flickers on and off. He concentrates more, and now he can see obi-wan clearly,

but everything else around him is very blurry.

Obi-Wan: Congratulation.

Skip: What? I did it?

Obi-Wan: Yes. Do you know how to do it now?

Skip: I guess so.

Obi-Wan: Well you'd better start practicing. (he once again becomes blurry to

Skip's eyes as he lets go of the invisibility.)

Skip: Obi-Wan! How do you get out of this spell?

No answer.

Skip: Oh great.

He concentrates again but only falls deeper into invisibility.

Skip: Obi-Wan! Drat you!

As he loses concentration he falls back into the normal world.

Skip: cool! How'd I do that?

Obi-Wan: Very well. You figured it out faster than most apprentices I've seen.

Skip: I always knew I was a cut above the rest.

Obi-Wan: Spare me. Arrogance is not a virtue.

Skip: I know THAT.

Obi-Wan: Resume invisibility now. The autopilot will dock us soon.

Skip: Do I have to?

Obi-Wan: Yes.

Skip does so and finds it easier this time.

Obi-Wan: The ship is now docked. When we do not emerge from it as expected,

they will come to search the ship. We slip out as they come in. Be careful

that they do not become aware of our presence. Use the force if necessary. 

When we get out we will split and search the ship to find Vader's whereabouts. 

In two hours we will meet back at this docking port if at all possible. Can you

handle that?

Skip: I think so.

Obi-Wan: You'd better know so. We can't take any chances here.

Skip: But won't whoever we just talked to over the com think it's a bit weird

if no one's on here.

Obi-Wan: He won't be a problem. In point of fact, I think Vader probably

killed him when he smashed a pie in his face.

Skip: I see.

Obi-Wan: Shhh! They're coming in. Follow me.

Obi-Wan ducks out of the ship and skip follows him. When they are out the two

split ways.

Skip runs down a hallway and reaches a communications room, which he enters. He

crouches down by the wall and listens to the conversation.

Commander Aki: What are Vader's orders about that ship?

Commander Gopid: It is to be completely searched, and then this star cruiser

will be searched to make sure they did not somehow slip off their ship.

Aki: Good. Soon the scoundrels who were on that ship will be found.

Skip crouches lower.

A com unit comes on.

Vader's voice: Commander Aki! Report to me at once.

Aki: Yes sir.

He gets up and starts to walk away. Cautiously skip follows him, careful not to

make a sound.

On the planet Actille:

Luke: Great green globs of greasy grimy gopher guts….

Han: Yes, Luke, I know it looks gross, but it's all we've got to eat just now. 

Bon appetite.

Leia: Soon enough we'll be back on the rebel planet. They'll have more decent

food there.

Luke: BLEEEEEEEECCHHH

Han: Forget that. Let's just leave.

Leia: When do you think that medicine starts working?

Han: Probably never.

Leia: Don't be so pessimistic.

The ship leaves.

Leia: Han! The radar's picking something up.

Han: How big?

Leia: too big for an asteroid. I think it's a ship.

Han: Obi-Wan's?

Leia: No. But I think I know who's it is.

Luke: Dadda!

Han: Uh-oh. Luke would know if Vader was on that ship wouldn't he?

Leia: I'm afraid so. And I think that he's looking for us. Can you get us

past them?

Han: I can try.

The big ship begins firing at them.

Han: they're not trying for a direct hit, just to damage us. They must want us

alive.

He steers to avoid the blasts.

Han: Luke! Make the calculations for the jump into hyperspace?

Luke: Me???

Han: Yes, you! And you better do them right!

Luke begins typing at a computer thing. Leia and Han work to keep the ship

away from the blasts.

Luke: Almost reeeaaaaddddy!

Han: Hurry it up a bit, Luke!

Luke finishes the calculations.

Luke: Done!!

The ship jumps into hyperspace and Han relaxes a bit.

Han: Thank god that's over.

Luke: Yeah.

Leia and Han turn to stare at him.

Leia: Is it just me….or did Luke just say something coherent that actually had

to do with the conversation around him?

Han: I think so….

Leia: Come to think of it, he's been doing that for the last few minutes.

Han: It worked!

Luke: What worked?

Leia: Oh goodness…there he did it again.

Han: This might take some getting used to.

Leia: I wonder what obi-wan put in those pills?

Han: A miracle. He put a miracle in there.

Leia: Let's get him back to the Jedi Temple.

Obi-Wan sneaks around a corner somewhere.

Suddenly he steps on a floorboard and it creaks.

Guard: Hey! Over there! I heard something. But I don't see anything.

Guard2: Vader said they might be invisible. Go get him!

Guard: No you!

Guard2: You heard him, you go get him!

Obi-Wan sneaks away and runs right into another guard coming from the other

hallway.

Guard3: Ah!! Got you! You can get visible now, I've already got you.

Obi-Wan flickers into view, realizing that he has been caught and there's no

point in remaining invisible anymore. The guard ties him up.

Guard3: You're going to Vader now. He wants you alive.

Guard3 leads obi-wan down a hall.

Skip slips through a door behind Aki, who he is following.

Aki: Lord Vader?

Vader: Good. You have arrived.

Aki: what is it you wish of me, my lord?

Vader: Have the intruders been found yet?

Aki: Not to my knowledge, sir, but every effort is being made to locate them.

Vader: They must be found!

Someone knocks on the door.

Guard3: Permission to enter, sir? I have located one of the intruders.

Vader: Enter!

Guard3 enters with Obi-Wan. Skip stifles a gasp. Though he is still invisible,

obi-wan somehow sees him and in his mind Skip hears obi-wan's harsh voice

telling him: be silent!

Vader: Ah…my old master, obi-wan kenobi. Come back to finish me off, have you.

Obi-wan: That was my goal, Vader.

Vader: Look where your student is now! Thousands of time more powerful than

you'll ever be!

Obi-Wan: You are not my student. You are not the Anakin Skywalker I taught and

raised so many years ago.

Vader: True. I am not. But I have only you to thank for teaching all I needed

to know to become as I am…and the universe has only you to thank when I finally

dominate it!

Obi-Wan: Every waking minute of my life I regret what has happened to Anakin. 

I do not regret what he has become, but more I regret all that he could have

been. Anakin Skywalker died when you turned to the Dark Side, and his dreams,

his future, and his potential died along with him. Every minute of my life I

regret that death, Vader.

Vader: You are still the sentimental old fool I knew long ago. Your words mean

nothing!

Obi-Wan: And yet they mean everything in the world, Vader. Just look what you

have become! The Dark side feeds on suffering, and on pain, and hatred. You

are the most hated and feared being in the universe!

Vader: And with fear comes obedience. Nobody dares disobey my word.

Obi-Wan: The Dark Side gives power that those of the light side do not have. 

But it comes at an awful price. Your own greed will destroy you some day,

Vader.

Vader: You! (to guard3) Take him to the prison block. But first, give me his

lightsaber. It should be on his belt.

Guard3 removes Obi-Wan's lightsaber, hands it to Vader, and leads Obi-wan away. 

More cautious than ever before, Skip follows.

Obi-Wan is locked into a prison cell. The guard walks away. Skip follows him

just far enough to make sure he is gone from hearing range. Then he goes back

to obi-Wan's cell.

Skip(losing invisibility): Obi-Wan! What are we going to do now?

Obi-Wan: You must continue on our mission. You must kill Vader.

Skip: But….I can't do that alone! I need your help!

Obi-Wan: The force will be with you.

Skip: I have to get you out. Then we can face Vader together.

Obi-Wan: No. Skip, you can't get me out. Not without having Vader at your

mercy.

Skip: Well, I'm going to try anyway!

Obi-Wan: (sigh) go ahead. Try all you want.

Skip tries to renew his invisibility but flickers back into view.

Obi-wan: you can only become invisible so much before the mental and physical

strain of it becomes too much.

Skip: You mean I'm stuck visible?

Obi-Wan: I'm afraid so. This will make your task harder than I had previously

thought. You might have to confront Vader directly.

Skip: You mean, like, fight him?

Obi-wan: That is indeed what I mean. You have long ago proved yourself a

skilled fighter. But Vader has far more experience. I hope that an alternative

solution can be found.

Skip: well, right now, I'm just going to concentrate on getting you out of

there.

Obi-Wan: There's no point, skip. Only one of Vader's guards can open the doors

to this cell. There's a key that only works with a certain type of power—the

Dark Force.

Skip: I don't care! I'm going to get you out of there. Even if I have to use

the Dark Force.

Obi-wan suddenly rises from the bench where he had been sitting and glares at

Skip fiercely: Don't even say such a thing! Do you have any idea what the Dark

Force could do to you? If you choose to delve into the power of the Dark Side I

will have no choice but to finish you off. Don't do so! Or you will become

lost to us, as Anakin was. (he sits back down)

Skip: I'll do what I must!

Skip sneaks stealthily back down the hall to where the guards are. He slowly

draws his lightsaber and activates it as his steps into their room. Before they

have time to react he has already killed one of them. The other has time to

pull out a blaster and fire a few shots before skip cuts him down too. Skip

stares at their bodies for a second. Then he rummages at the belt of the first

and pulls out a set of keys. He runs back to Obi-Wan's cell.

Skip: Obi-Wan! I killed them!

Obi-Wan: Good. That's something, at least.

Skip: No, you don't understand. I killed them.

Obi-Wan looks at him for a second.

Obi-Wan: I see. Skip, if you're going to be a Jedi, death is an idea you're

going to have to get used to. Other people's deaths…and your own.

Skip: I can't believe I did that! I'm a murderer!

Obi-Wan: No, you're not. You did only what you had to.

Skip looks down.

Skip: Well, I got the keys.

Obi-Wan: I told you, they won't work without the dark force. No offense, but

you're really starting to act like Luke.

Skip glares at him.

Skip: If they don't work with the Dark force, how will you ever get out even if

I kill Vader?

Obi-Wan: I'm sure exactly how it works, but when Vader dies any devices

operated by his Dark Power will break down. That's why the only way you can

help me -- by fighting him, and winning.

Skip: There's no way I'll win.

Obi-Wan: GO! And may the force be with you.

Skip runs down the hall toward Vader's command room.

Han and Luke and Leia walk into the Jedi temple.

They knock on the council room door, and then go in.

Han: Hey! Everybody! We're back home.

Everybody: Oh. Goody.

Han: what's everybody so down about?

Councilor: You had to bring Luke back with you.

Han: But he's better now! Yoda, you gave obi-wan some pills for him…

Yoda: That I did.

Han: And they worked.

Yoda: No side effects, were there?

Han: Side effects? Not to my knowledge,

Leia: Obi-wan did mention something about side effects. Luke, do you feel any

strange side effects?

Luke: Not at all.

The councilors all gasp.

Coucilor2: He just…he just said something….intelligent!

Han: Yep.

Luke: I don't see why everybody's so surprised.

Leia: I do.

Councilor3: this is quite strange.

Yoda: That it is, but a change that is welcomed. Been tormented by him, have

many of us, when he was stupid, and better he will know be, it is to be hoped.

Luke: I don't know about everybody else, but I think that Obi-Wan and his

little friend are going to need some help. There is a disturbance in the force

that is unusually strong.

Coucilor2: This is unusually freaky. How long does this medicine last?

Yoda: Not long.

Coucilor2: oh good.

Han: I never thought I'd be saying this, but Luke's right. Obi-Wan and skip

are probably going to need some help.

Yoda: No. Feel them in the force, I do. The force is very strong with them

this night. Do fine on their own, they will.

Skip(to himself): I'm never going to make it, I'm going to die, I'm never going

to make it, I'm going to die…

He reaches the door to the room where he knows Vader is. He hesitates for a

second, then draws his lightsaber and smashes the control box. The door opens. 

Vader is turned around in his chair, facing the opposite wall. Skip walks in.

Vader: I can feel the presence….of a Jedi.

Skip: I am here to face you in a fair fight, Vader.

Skip's voice does not bear the slightest hint of hesitation. Vader rises from

his seat and stands facing Skip.

Vader: Who are you that dares challenge me?

Skip: That's for me to know and you to find out. Geeeesh, is it just me, or do

you smell like someone smashed a banana cream pie in your face?

In the same instant as he says that, he activates his lightsaber and swing at

Vader. Vader, armed with the force, has his weapon out in time to counter

Skip's stroke. Skip and Vader began to fight. It is clear from the beginning

that Vader has the advantage, but Skip is small and agile.

Skip leaps onto an overhead ledge and shouts: Hey, nice underwear!

Vader: Stop these childish tricks!

Skip: Why should I? Come and get, me, why don't you?

Vader: You can never win. You are but a child and I am the greatest Dark Lord

in the universe.

Skip: Light will always triumph over dark. That's just the way it is.

Vader: But why should it? Child, think about it. The dark side is millions of

times more powerful than the light. The most expert Light Siders are mere

blundering fools next to even an apprentice Dark Lord. You show considerable

promise, and the force is strong with you. You would do well on the Dark side,

lad.

Skip: I would never disappoint Obi-Wan by joining your forces!

Vader: Why should you care about that old idiot? Obi-Wan has only his own best

interests in mind. Why else would he send you to certain death? You would to

best to leave him. I can give you what he cannot: a power few can master, or

even understand.

Skip: (plugs his ears) I'm not listening!!!! I'm not listening!

Vader: The Dark side already has a foothold in your mind, child. There is

anger in you, sure enough. And fear. You are full of fear.

Skip: It's awfully windy in hear isn't it? You know, it sounded like the wind

just said, Two cars pull near, or something like that, isn't that odd?

Vader: It is well past time for you to be chosen as a Padawan, is it not? If

you do not find a master soon, you will never become a Jedi.

Skip: obi-wan is my master!

Vader: No he is not. He is merely your companion on this journey. He will

leave you as soon as you return to Coruscant. That is, if you return to

Coruscant. The truth is, child, nothing is sure about your future at this

moment. If you join me, I can give you that surety. Don't you want that?

Skip: I don't know and I don't care, I'll pull down your underwear! I see

London, I see France, I see Vader's underpants!

Vader: Come down here and let me face you, child!

Skip: Is it not beneath your dignity to fight with a child?

Vader: But you are a child worthy of such an honor. And that is why I beg you

to join forces with me. The anger and fear in you grow every moment. You are

afraid about the future. You are angry at me, and at yourself, and at Obi-Wan. 

Come here, child, and let me show you what you could have.

Skip: A dark lord who can not even get a mere child to obey his command is

nothing!

At that Vader leaps onto the ledge next to Skip and continues fighting with him.

They fight for a while, then skip ducks through a door just as it is about to

close, and runs down the hall without waiting to see whether or not Vader made

it through after him. A little ways down the hall he leaps to the ceiling and

grabs onto a metal thing there, flattening himself against it. Vader opens the

door and goes through it, and begins walking down the hall, lightsaber held at

ready. When he is right underneath Skip, Skip drops onto his neck and hangs on

tight. Vader shakes him off with some difficulty and then they continue

fencing. In a short while Skip is breathing hard and fast, but Vader seems not

to be bothered by his exertions. They reach a larger room and skip once again

jumps onto a ledge. Vader wastes no time in following him. Then skip jumps

back down. Vader follows. Skip jumps back up. Vader follows. Skip jumps back

down.

Skip: Boy, are you an idiot.

Vader: This is no time for childish games! You will soon tire of jumping back

and forth like that.

Skip: Why don't you just finish me off, Vader? I know you could. Why do you

let me live and continue to fight you?

Vader: I nurse your anger, child. If you continue like this for long, you will

be mine. You will give your self over to the dark side.

Skip: I will never do that. In the words of the great Rocky Rooster, always do

what you feel is right, and never let anything change your mind.

Vader: If my memory serves me, the Rocky Rooster is a cartoon character.

Skip: yeah, so? He has some very good philosophical insights. For example, he

said in one episode, Never trust a masked man who smells of Banana Cream Pie.

Vader: Your stupidity cannot be endured!

Skip: I have always known that a sense of humor would prevail over all anger

and fear. And today it proves itself again.

Skip leaps back up onto the ledge, taking Vader almost by surprise. Swiftly

using the advantage of that surprise, He forces Vader to the edge of the ledge. 

Vader jumps off and skip follows him. Vader lands slightly off balance, and

Skip uses that to force Vader through a small door. Skip slams the door firmly

behind the Dark Lord. Holding the door shut with his shoulder, Skip uses his

lightsaber to weld the door to the wall around it. The door is marked with a

picture of a little man and the letters WC. When skip has welded the two

entirely together, he runs down the hall and grabs a passing elevator down a

flight, then dodges past some guards, trying to get to the prison cell block. 

When he gets there, he runs up to obi-wan.

Skip: I can get you out now!

Obi-Wan: Is Vader dead?

Skip: No, but…

Obi-Wan: Then the lock will not release.

Skip: What can I do? I locked Vader in that bathroom pretty well, but he's

bound to get out soon.

Obi-Wan: Well…I can see that you tried your best. You fought Vader well and

did better than most adult Jedi with more experience than you could have. I

suppose I will tell you how do get me out.

Skip: How????

Obi-Wan: Actually, I'm quite surprised you didn't think of this before, but I

guess you had other things on your mind. These bars are only weak metal. Your

lightsaber can cut them down easily.

Skip stares at him.

Skip: WHY didn't I think of that? I've got to be some sort of stupid idiot.

Obi-Wan: Well, yes, but we can think that over later, for now I really would

like to get out of this cell.

Skip: Oh, yes, of course.

Skip cuts through the bars and obi-wan steps through.

Obi-Wan: Let's get a move on. Vader will indeed be coming soon, and he'll

guess that you came down here. Hurry. We must make it back to the ship before

he finds us.

They run down the halls, toward the ship dock. They find their ship, leap

aboard and take off.

On the ship they have just left, a bright red lightsaber thrust itself through

the bathroom door, right through the head of the little man on the front. It

cuts easily through the metal, and soon a cloaked figure steps out in a dramatic

movement. The figure moves to the nearby window and looks out in time to see a

ship blast into hyperspace.

Vader (muttered): Next time, Jedi. I will get you next time.

Luke is on a balcony with Han and Leia. He stares out into space.

Han: What do you think happened to them?

Leia: Obi-Wan and Skip?

Han: Yeah, them.

Leia: I don't know. It was a very dangerous thing they did, sneaking onto

Vader's ship like that.

Luke: The force is with them. Vader will fall.

Leia: He's scaring me.

Han edges away from the Jedi.

Luke: All my life I have waited for this day. Vader will finally be defeated

and his empire will collapse.

Han: You don't know that. Obi-Wan might not succeed in his mission.

Luke: He must. There is no other way.

Han: No other way to do what?

Luke: (silent)

Leia: He's REALLY scaring me now. Is he really scaring you?

Han: He's REALLY scaring me. Let's just go away and leave him here, why don't

we?

Han and Leia walk down the hall very fast. They pass a window.

Leia: Han, look! That's obi-Wan's ship!

Obi-Wan: We're almost to Coruscant.

Skip: Oh goody. They won't be too happy with us when they find out we didn't

kill Vader, will they?

Obi-Wan: Probably not. But there will always be another mission, and someday

Vader will die. Unfortunately today was not that day.

Skip: Stroke of genius, that was, having that guy hit Vader with a banana cream

pie.

Obi-Wan: yeah, I know.

Skip: Why didn't you just have him put poison in Vader's food or something like

that.

Obi-Wan: That would have been going too far. Not only is it misuse of power,

but he would never have complied. Even a weak minded fool like him would never

have been able to go against all his beliefs and loyalties in that way.

Skip: I see.

Obi-Wan: Get ready to land the ship.

The ship lands on a platform on Coruscant, where they are met by some Jedi

councilors and Han and Luke and Leia.

Yoda: back, you are. Your mission unsuccessful, it was.

Obi-Wan: Yes, Yoda it was. I'm sorry to say we failed to kill Vader.

Han: You what?

Obi-Wan: We did not manage to kill Vader.

Han: You failed!!!? How could you? Where's Vader now?

Obi-Wan: On his ship.

Skip: In the bathroom.

Obi-Wan: Actually he probably got out by now.

Skip: Yeah, probably.

Han: What are you talking about?

Obi-Wan: It's a long a story.

Skip: A very long story.

Obi-Wan: It involves banana cream pie.

Skip: Yep. That reminds me, I'm awfully hungry.

Yoda: Eat soon, you will. Disappointed, we are, at your failure. But another

chance, the Jedi will have, at defeating Vader. Soon enough, the time will

come.

Luke: Yoda, if you don't mind, I'd like to take the next mission against Vader

as my own.

Obi-Wan and skip stop in their tracks and stare blankly at Luke.

Han: Hey Obi-Wan! Those pills you gave him worked!

Obi-Wan: Oh my god….

Skip: You mean he's not stupid anymore?

Han: That's what I mean.

Skip: Cool!

He runs over to Luke and starts talking to him. Obi-Wan and Yoda walk towards

the Temple.

There is a great gathering of people in a room somewhere

Person: We are gathered here today to mourn for the deaths of the hundreds who

were killed by Imperial Soldiers at the Rebel Base. Their valiance will be

forever honored, their courage long remembered. The cruelty of those

responsible for their deaths is immense. We have all been hurt by them in some

way. Therefore, it is our responsibility to make this an occasion to forever

condemn them. Follow me!

He leads them through a doorway. As they go through it each one is handed a

banana cream pie. Inside the room they go into is a huge mock up of Darth

Vader.

Person: On the count of three, launch Banana Cream! One, two, three!

A hailstorm of banana cream rains down upon the fake Vader. Only one pie is

unthrown.

Skip: You know, this is awful good banana cream pie. It's a shame to waste it

like this.

Person: Throw it!!!!!

Skip: Oh, all right.

Skip throws it at the person.

Person wipes banana cream off his face: That wasn't funny!

His comment is drowned out as people start throwing pies at him.

Obi-Wan is before the Jedi council.

Councilor: Was the boy useful to you on this mission?

Obi-Wan: He was indeed. He is a worthy companion, and a very talented warrior.

Councilor: Yes.

Obi-Wan: In fact, it is he I am here to talk to you about.

Councilor: Really?

Obi-Wan: It is true that he is long past the age to be chosen as a Padawan by

one of the older Jedi. Why do you keep him on?

Councilor: With the Jedi so few these days, we need everyone we can. He has

talent, but not the discipline to use it well. We hope that a Jedi Master will

choose him soon.

Obi-Wan: Yes, well…I'd like to take Skip as my Padawan.

Councilor: You would? That boy is quite a handful, and you are not as young as

you used to be.

Obi-Wan: He deserves to have a proper education. I have not yet had the honor

of being able to see an apprentice graduate into knighthood. I would like to be

able to have that before I die. Skip really needs a good teacher.

Councilor: Well…I suppose…Yes. You may have Skip as your apprentice. You'll

make an interesting team, Obi-Wan and Obi-one the Second.

Obi-Wan glares at him: that is not the least bit funny. In fact, if it is

alright with Skip, I would like to get his name officially changed. And I don't

think he'll object.

Councilor: Very well then. You are dismissed. Does Skip know of your decision

yet?

Obi-Wan: No. I will go tell him now.

Obi-Wan meets Skip walking down the hallway.

Obi-Wan: What happened to you? You look like somebody threw a banana cream pie

at you.

Skip: Good guess. We were just having a bit of a food fight.

Obi-Wan: I'm regretting this already.

Skip: Regretting what?

Obi-Wan: I've decided to take you as my apprentice.

Silence.

Obi-wan: Skip?

Skip: Huh? What? Sorry. I wasn't paying attention what were you saying?

Obi-Wan: I've decided to take you on as my Padawan.

Skip stares at him blankly.

Skip: You have?

Obi-Wan: Yes.

Skip: Yeah! Cool! I'm a Padawan! Wow, dude, I'm a Padawan! Are you really

serious?

Obi-wan: regretting this immediately, yes I really am serious.

Skip: Yes!!!

He jumps up and hugs Obi-Wan.

Obi-Wan: Okay, I'm thrilled that you're happy, but would you mind getting off

of me?

Skip: Yeah, sure, sorry. So when's our next mission?

Obi-Wan: Not for a while yet, Skip. You have a lot of learning to do.

Skip: (groan)

Obi-Wan: By the way, how would you like to change your name to something less

strange?

Skip: Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me change my name!

Obi-Wan: What do you want to change it to? Skip?

Skip: No, I was thinking something more like Veronica.

Obi-wan looks at him skeptically.

Skip: Just kidding. Skip's a good name.

Obi-Wan: I think Cornelius suits you better.

Skip: Never!

Obi-Wan: Or JoeBobbySue.

Skip: NO, no, thank you Skip is just fine.

Not far away, the pie throwing fest continues on. The city is lit up. Ships

zoom in and out of Coruscant's many ports. And a few thousand lightyears away…

On Vader's ship, the councilors sit down to dinner. Vader will join them later.

Commander Aki: You know, that new lieutenant's a bit weird.

Commander Burnstein: You're right about that. But he is brave. He's actually

trying the Jello.

Commander Aki: You've got to be kidding.

Across the table:

Lieutenant Blockhead (to friend): Hey, look at this jello. I wonder if this

junk is solidified.

friend: probably not.

Blockhead: Let's find out.

Lieutenant blockhead turns the Jello upside just as Vader marches into the room. 

All is silent except for one thing.

Jello: Squelch.

THE END

Reeevview… review….. I say, please review…..


	2. Episode 0.5

Disclaimer: i don't own anything  
  
Note: this story treats luke like a total idiot, so beware  
  
another note: don't try to fit this into the star wars timeline or you will just go crazy  
  
  
  
Star Wars Episode 0.5:  
  
The Jedi are trying hard to rebuild their order and to bring justice back to the galaxy. Jedi Knights Obi-Wan Kenobi and Qui-Gon Jinn, who has now grown old but is still strong with the force, are the leaders of this mission. They have gathered promising youth from throughout the galaxy and have set up a school to train them  
  
The threat of the Empire is never far from even the young Jedi students. Darth Vader, too, has found an apprentice. He will grow strong under his master's guidance.  
  
The rebel alliance continues their work, in conjunction with the new Jedi Order. The Empire has been unusually passive lately, and the alliance grows fearful of a new attack.  
  
  
  
In outer space:  
  
A huge ship hurtles through space. On its bridge:  
  
Vader: What is our approximate time of arrival at the Ersp system?  
  
Aki: We should be there in 15 minutes, my lord.  
  
Aki leaves. A young boy steps forward. He is thirteen years old.  
  
Boy: Why are we going to that place?  
  
Vader: It is a good place for training. It is where I was trained.  
  
Boy: Why would I wanna go where you were?  
  
Vader: You don't have a choice.  
  
Boy: Talk about inflated ego. I don't have to do what you say just 'cause you want it.  
  
Vader: You are my apprentice, Darth Sirbez.  
  
Boy: Don't call me that. My name is Lance.  
  
Vader: You have no say in the matter!  
  
Darth Vader swirls away and stalks out of the room. Lance leans against a wall and laughs to himself.  
  
Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi stand in a large, plain room and survey two young children, a boy and a girl, about the same age as Lance. One older boy stands behind them.  
  
Qui-Gon: It's not much, but it'll have to do for now.  
  
Obi-Wan: It is a promising pair. Skip, what do you think?  
  
Skip walks over to them and shrugs his shoulders.  
  
Skip: I don't know what to look for. Seem fine to me. Not nearly as good as I am, of course.  
  
Qui-Gon: That boy reminds me much of you, Obi-Wan.  
  
Skip and Obi-Wan, simultaneously: I resent that.  
  
Qui-Gon: Well excuse me.  
  
Obi-Wan: Personally, Master, I think he is most like you.  
  
Qui-Gon: Really, Obi-Wan! What could possibly make you think that? Actually I quite agree with you. I was much like Skip when I was younger; in fact, I still am much like him.  
  
Obi-Wan: The children are waiting.  
  
Qui-Gon: yes, of course.  
  
Qui-Gon walks closer to the 2 kids and clears his throat.  
  
Qui-Gon: You are both agreed that you wish to become Jedi, are you not?  
  
The boy and the girl both nod.  
  
Qui-Gon: Well, then, follow me.  
  
He leads them through a door into a supply room.  
  
Obi-Wan takes two sets of apprentice clothes off a rack, two practice lightsabers, and some books. He presents them to the kids. They take the things wordlessly.  
  
Skip: Geesh, don't you guys ever talk?  
  
Obi-Wan: Don't harass them, Skip.  
  
The group continues down the hall. The boy and girl stare around in wonder at the place they are in.  
  
Qui-Gon reaches two doors and opens them.  
  
Qui-Gon: these are your rooms. Aaron, you're in here. Rebecca's in the other room. I hope you find your accommodations comfortable.  
  
Qui-Gon starts to walk away, leaving Aaron and Rebecca there. Obi-Wan follows. Skip stays; it is his job to make sure the two are all right. Without asking permission, he follows Aaron into his room and saunters over to the small cot and sits down there.  
  
Skip: So, what's up?  
  
Aaron doesn't answer. He is flipping through the books that Obi-Wan gave him.  
  
Skip: So, that girl, she your sister or something?  
  
Aaron shakes his head slightly but doesn't look up from the book.  
  
Aaron: I don't even know her.  
  
Skip: Ah-ha! So you do talk.  
  
He gets no answer.  
  
Skip: But not very much.  
  
Silence.  
  
Skip: Well, if you don't mind, I'll be leaving now.  
  
Skip starts to walk towards the door, looking back over his shoulder a few times to make sure Aaron isn't going to say anything, then shrugs his shoulders and closes the door behind him. Without knocking he goes into Rebecca's room. She, like Aaron, is engrossed in the books.  
  
Rebecca: Don't you know better than to just walk into a girl's room without knocking?  
  
Skip (ignoring her comment): So, this one talks a bit more, huh?  
  
Rebecca rolls her eyes at him, silently.  
  
Skip: Cause that guy in the room next door sure doesn't say much.  
  
He walks looks over her shoulder at the book she's reading.  
  
Skip: Ah.Uh-huh.The art of the lightsaber, huh? Fancy being a warrior, do you?  
  
Rebecca: That is what I'm here for.  
  
Skip: Oh, come on. You can't be a warrior.  
  
Rebecca: Wanna bet?  
  
Skip: You're a girl. Girls can't be warriors.  
  
Rebecca angrily slams the book shut.  
  
Rebecca: Get out of here!  
  
Skip: Geesh, Sorry.  
  
Just then someone knocks on the door. Obi-Wan enters.  
  
Obi-Wan: Skip! We just got some urgent news. Follow me.  
  
The millennium falcon hurtles through space. It is headed toward a small remote planet.  
  
Leia: Are you sure this is the right place?  
  
Han: Of course I'm sure!  
  
Leia raises one eyebrow.  
  
Han: Okay, okay, so I'm only sort of sure. But it's probably the right one.  
  
Leia: They told us to meet them on a planet in the Urvep System. That's where we are, isn't it?  
  
Han: Yeah..according to my calculations.  
  
Leia: Your calculations? In that case, it's probably NOT the right planet.  
  
Han: You're probably right. Doesn't look like a very nice place for a Jedi Temple anyway.  
  
Luke walks into the cockpit.  
  
Luke: They're not there. It's not the right place.  
  
Han: Princess, did you give him his medicine today?  
  
Leia: No. Did you?  
  
Han: No.  
  
Leia: Then why is he acting so smart? I mean, smart for Luke.  
  
Han: Maybe he found the bottle and took some himself.  
  
Leia: Oh great. Anyway, Luke, how do you know they're not there.  
  
Luke: I could have felt their presence if they were.  
  
Han reads something on the computer screen.  
  
Han: That's weird. The coordinates check out with what Obi-Wan told us. This should be it.  
  
Leia: Land the ship and let's take a look around.  
  
Skip follows hurriedly behind Obi-Wan. They reach the conference room. Just outside the door Skip tugs on Obi-Wan's robe. Obi-Wan turns to him.  
  
Skip: Why do I have to come to the meeting? I'm only an apprentice still.  
  
Obi-Wan: But you're MY apprentice. And I think you should come.  
  
They go into the conference room, where are seated Yoda, Qui-Gon, and one other councilor.  
  
Qui-Gon stands up.  
  
Qui-Gon: Good. You're back. Now everybody needs to listen close-this could be important.  
  
Yoda: No. Wait a minute, you will. Tell me, young Jedi, doing well are the new apprentices?  
  
Skip: Yeah, sure, they're great. I don't think that girl likes me very much.  
  
Obi-Wan: I don't blame her.  
  
Skip: But that's not really important, let's here whatever this is qui-Gon has to say.  
  
Qui-Gon: Why so eager, Skip?  
  
Skip: It sounds like there might be an adventure coming up!  
  
Qui-Gon: You may well be right. But look here. You all know that the empire has been unusually quiescent of late. But lately there has been an unusual amount of imperial activity in this sector-  
  
A map appears on the wall behind him, and he turns, pointing to a small section that is now highlighted in red.  
  
Qui-Gon: As yet we have no way of knowing what they're up to. But knowing Vader and all his cronies, it's probably something we won't like. There are quite a few people living in that area and they may need help. We need someone to go and see what's going on there.  
  
Obi-Wan: I've already volunteered to go. As my apprentice, of course, Skip will come also. And I'd like to take the two new apprentices with me as well. It would be a valuable experience.  
  
Qui-Gon: I would also like to go.  
  
Yoda: Not too old, are you, Qui-Gon?  
  
Qui-Gon: Hah! I'm not even half of a quarter as old as you are.  
  
Obi-Wan: I'd be honored if my old master would accompany me.  
  
Yoda: Good. Tomorrow, you will leave.  
  
The session is adjourned and the Jedi begin to leave. After a few moments only Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, and Skip are left.  
  
Obi-Wan: Skip, go down and make sure those new kids are comfortable and everything, okay?  
  
Skip: But I just did! They're perfectly fine.  
  
Obi-Wan: Just go see if they need anything. They might have some questions about those books and things.  
  
Skip leaves, grumbling. Qui-Gon starts to leave also.  
  
Obi-Wan: Wait a minute, qui-Gon, I want to have a word with you.  
  
Qui-Gon turns back to him, raising one eyebrow.  
  
Qui-Gon: What is it?  
  
Obi-Wan: There's something you're not saying about that imperial activity.  
  
Qui-Gon: Perceptive of you. You've truly grown strong in the force since you left me, or rather since I left you.  
  
Obi-Wan: What is it that you're not telling?  
  
Qui-Gon sits down at the table again.  
  
Qui-Gon: I feel a strange disturbance in the force there.  
  
Obi-Wan: Another dark lord, Master?  
  
Qui-Gon: You really shouldn't call me Master anymore.  
  
Obi-Wan: Speaking of dark lords, you know, I was right about Anakin, wasn't I? I think you owe me an apology.  
  
Qui-Gon folds his arms stubbornly.  
  
Qui-Gon: I must certainly don't owe you any apology. That boy was a devious dark lord; he probably tricked me into thinking he was all right.  
  
Obi-Wan: Oh, please, Master, this is an inappropriate time for humor. What about that disturbance?  
  
Qui-Gon: It does indeed feel like another Dark Lord. A powerful one, but whose power is still growing.  
  
Obi-Wan: An apprentice?  
  
Qui-Gon: Quite possible. Though I'm sure he is young, he seems already almost as powerful as Vader himself. But.  
  
Obi-Wan: But what?  
  
Qui-Gon: The strange thing about this disturbance.it feels as though the boy is still unsure about whether to remain light or dark.  
  
Obi-Wan: Do you think it is too late to bring him to the Light?  
  
Qui-Gon: I'm afraid it probably is. But still.  
  
Qui-Gon shrugs. The two Jedi stand up and walk towards the door. When they open it they expose Skip with his ear pressed against the door.  
  
Obi-Wan: Eavesdropping, huh?  
  
Skip: Yep. Thought you might be talking about me or something.  
  
Qui-Gon: yes, of course we were talking about you: Darth Skip, the infamous Dark Lord!  
  
Obi-wan: Don't give him any ideas.  
  
Skip: Don't give him any ideas.  
  
Obi-Wan: Do you see what I have to deal with every day?  
  
Skip: Do you see what I have to deal with every day?  
  
Luke and Han and Leia emerge from the Millennium falcon on the planet called Urp.  
  
Han: This has GOT to be the right planet. The coordinates match perfectly. So where is the base?  
  
Luke: Oh where, oh where, has my little dog gone, oh where oh where can he be?  
  
Leia: Hey, wait a second. Wasn't he acting smart just a second ago?  
  
Han: yeah. But you never know what to expect with Luke.  
  
Leia: This is making me nervous. Last time he started singing about dogs we almost got eaten by giant canines.  
  
Luke: BINGO BINGO BINGO and bingo was his name-o.  
  
Leia: Han, are you SURE that guy who gave you those coordinates was obi- wan.  
  
Han: Actually I'm quite sure he wasn't. It was some other guy relaying a message he said was from Obi-Wan.  
  
Leia shakes her head unbelievingly.  
  
Leia: Sometimes I wonder if you're not just as stupid as Luke. You led us right into a trap!  
  
Han: A trap? What do you mean by that?  
  
Leia: Are you blind or something? I can't believe you actually trusted that guy! You've taken us right where the empire wants us.  
  
Han hits himself on the head.  
  
Han: The empire! Of course! Why didn't I realize?  
  
Leia: I could give you quite a few reasons that you probably don't want to hear.  
  
Han: What are you talking about?  
  
Leia: I don't think I'll say all the words I could apply to you just now. They might damage your self-esteem.  
  
Luke: I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, and this is how it goes..  
  
Leia: We'd better get back to the ship and hope we can make it off this planet before they spot us.  
  
Han: I think it's a little too late for that...  
  
Up in the sky a group of fighters roars toward them, firing laser blasts.  
  
Leia: Get to the ship! Quickly! Luke, come on!  
  
The three leap onto the ship they take off with the fighters hot on their trail.  
  
Luke: Oh dear! Oh my! I think I swallowed a fly! Oh dear! Oh my! I think I'm going to cry!  
  
The Millennium Falcon continues to evade the laserbolts from the fighters, and soon blasts into hyperspace.  
  
A small imperial transport lands on the jungled planet of Eerch, in the Ersp System. Darth Vader and Lance emerge.  
  
Vader: Look around you, Darth Sirbez. This is where you will be trained to succeed me as the greatest dark lord in the universe.  
  
Lance: My name is Lance.  
  
Vader: Follow me.  
  
Lance: Why?  
  
Vader: Because I am telling you to.  
  
Lance: Big deal.  
  
Vader menacingly makes a short gesture and Lance begins to choke, but only for a second. He shrugs the curse off and sends it right back at Vader. Vader starts choking, and Lance releases him.  
  
Lance: Don't ever try anything like that on me, all right?  
  
Vader: Darth Sirbez! You are my apprentice! You will not behave in that way.  
  
Lance: My name is Lance.  
  
Vader silently leads him to a house in the woods.  
  
Vader: Go on inside. This will be your home while you are in training.  
  
Lance: This old place? You expect ME to live there? And I guess you'll just go off and build yourself a mansion to live in, huh?  
  
Vader: I will be sharing this house with you.  
  
Lance stares at him in mock dismay.  
  
Lance: Never! I would sooner murder you than share a house with you. That doesn't say much though, because I've always wanted and will always want to murder you.  
  
Vader: You will never be strong enough to kill me, Darth Sirbez.  
  
Lance: My name is lance. And I already AM strong enough to kill you. You know I've been doing some reading. You're actually one of the weakest dark Lords in the history of the Galaxy!  
  
For the second time, Vader angrily swirls away into the forest, leaving Lance at the cabin by himself. He smiles wickedly and says to the walls around him, in mocked exasperation: Will he never learn?  
  
Skip walks into the landing dock where the ship they will be taking is. It is fairly large. Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon are already there with Aaron and Rebecca.  
  
Skip: Let's get on! Come on! Adventure here I come!  
  
Obi-Wan: You know, skip, its probably not actually going to be a very adventuresome journey. Were just going to take a quick look around the sector and see what's happening.  
  
Skip: Yeah, sure, that's what they all say.  
  
Skip runs into the ship and sits down at the controls, excitedly looking over the control panel.  
  
Skip: Hey, this ship's weird!  
  
Qui-Gon: (appearing behind him) It's built in the style of an imperial ship. We feel it's safest if we don't get noticed while where on this little reconnaissance mission.  
  
Obi-Wan and the two apprentices get on a sit down.  
  
Obi-Wan: Well, let's get going. Skip and I will be the pilots, so the rest of you can pretty much just relax until we get there.  
  
Qui-Gon: Relax! Never! I'm going to take these two guys down to the cabin for a few lessons.  
  
Skip and Obi-Wan work at the computer, getting the coordinates for hyperspace.  
  
Skip: Hey! This is just like old times. You and me together flying off on a new mission.  
  
Obi-Wan: Don't remind me.  
  
Skip: Do you think we'll meet up with Vader again?  
  
Obi-Wan: It's possible.  
  
Skip: Cool! Now I can kill him off for good. First I'll chop his arms off, then I'll cut open his stomach and pull out all his intestines. Then I'll slowly chop him up, starting from the toes, so he dies in horrible pain.  
  
Obi-Wan: Violent child.  
  
Skip: Sorry.  
  
Obi-Wan: You're not really sorry, are you?  
  
Skip: No.  
  
Obi-Wan: I know you far too well.  
  
Leia: So, genius, look what you got us into.  
  
Han: Hey! I may have gotten us into it, but I got us out of it, too, so I think I deserve some thanks.  
  
Leia: No you don't. Where are we going now?  
  
Han: I dunno. We don't really have anywhere TO go.  
  
Leia: See if you can get Obi-Wan or someone on the comlink. Maybe they can tell us where they Actually are.  
  
Han: Okay.  
  
Han types some stuff on the computer and picks up the com.  
  
Han: Hello? Anyone there? This is Han Solo! Hello?  
  
Voice: What IS it? We were just about to take off.  
  
Han: Obi-Wan? Is that you?  
  
Voice: Geee, I dunno. Is it?  
  
Han: Just tell me who you are.  
  
Voice: You may call me..Cornelius III.  
  
Other voice (fainter): Skip, come on, give the guy a break.  
  
Han: There you are, obi-wan. We need a little help.  
  
Obi-Wan (clearer now): What can I do for you?  
  
Han: We'd like to know where you've set up your little Jedi Temple thing.  
  
Obi-Wan: Where are you currently located?  
  
Han: Just off of the Spirek system.  
  
Skip: Well, then, take a left turn at Yyvor, and then head straight past Hubi, make sure you look both ways at the crossroads by Utged, and don't run the red light at Gutfe, then make a U-turn by Actille, and head straight for about 6.4 lightyears until you get to Ilf. Make sure you don't run into Dertmon. It's kind of small.  
  
Obi-Wan: Just ignore him. We're the third planet in the system Sullyed. You can't miss it; it's the only green planet for lightyears.  
  
Han: Okay. Thanks a lot.  
  
Obi-Wan: You're welcome. And don't mind Skip. He's always like that.  
  
Skip: Yep!  
  
Qui-Gon led the apprentices into a cabin that was rather dull and sparsely furnitured.  
  
Qui-Gon: Have a seat.  
  
They did.  
  
Qui-Gon: So, where shall we start? Do you really even know what the force is?  
  
They nod.  
  
Qui-Gon: Well, that's good. We're not quite at ground zero. Hmmmm..Hand me one of your books.  
  
Aaron gives him one. Closing his eyes, Qui-Gon flips randomly to a page. He looks at it.  
  
Qui-Gon: Aaah.the warrior arts. Well, why not? Let's start here.  
  
They watch him.  
  
Qui-Gon: You know, I can see how Skip could find your silence disconcerting.  
  
Rebecca: Can girls be warriors?  
  
Qui-Gon: Sure.  
  
Rebecca: Oh.  
  
Qui-Gon digs out two practice wooden lightsabers from somewhere.  
  
Qui-Gon: Take them.  
  
They do.  
  
Qui-Gon: Hold them with both hands together, your left hand on top if you're left handed.  
  
They both put their hands correctly.  
  
Qui-Gon: Good. Nobody asked what to do if they were right handed. There are some people who wouldn't have been able to figure that out.  
  
Rebecca: Like who?  
  
Qui-Gon: Well, the name Luke Skywalker comes to mind.but never mind that. Aaron, lend me your saber. Rebecca, come here. We're going to practice some striking and blocking. You'll get the hang of it really fast, I'm sure.  
  
They start practicing.  
  
Skip and Obi-Wan are in the cockpit. Skip puts his feet up on the control panel.  
  
Obi-Wan: Skip, get your feet off the control panel.  
  
Skip: Why? I can steer the ship just as well with my feet as with my hands.  
  
Obi-Wan: We're going to be there soon. As soon as pull out of hyperspace, pay careful attention to what's going on all around us.  
  
Watching a meter that is quickly ticking off numbers, Obi-Wan carefully eases the ship back into realspace.  
  
Immediately they are surrounded by ships, big and small.  
  
Skip: What's going on here?  
  
Obi-Wan: That's what we're here to find out.  
  
Vader and Lance are on the planet.  
  
Vader: See if you can lift that rock over there.  
  
Lance: That's Stupid!  
  
Vader: Darth Sirbez! Do not use such vulgar language.  
  
Lance: My NAME is Lance. And that wasn't vulgar language. On the other hand, if you'd like to hear some vulgar language, I'd be glad to oblige.  
  
Vader: Now lift the Rock!!  
  
Lance concentrates and lifts the whole mountain.  
  
Vader: Concentrate! I said the rock, not the whole mountain!  
  
Lance drops it on their cabin.  
  
Lance: The rock was ON the mountain.  
  
Vader: Fine. OK. Great. The lesson's over for today.  
  
On Obi-Wan's ship:  
  
Obi-Wan: (suddenly) Go to that planet.  
  
Skip: Why?  
  
Obi-Wan: I feel a disturbance there.  
  
Skip: Okey-Dokey. Whatever you say.  
  
The ship moves into the planet's atmosphere.  
  
Skip: Hey, look! That mountain's moving!  
  
Obi-Wan: Don't be silly. Mountains don't just get up and walk around.  
  
Skip: That one does!  
  
They land. On the mountain.  
  
Obi-Wan: Now I see what Qui-Gon meant. I can definitely feel something very.odd.  
  
Skip: Oooooops..That wouldn't be that Jello I ACCIDENTALLY spilled on your chair, would it?  
  
Obi-Wan: Great, Skip. Now I have to confront the Dark Side with green Jello all over my pants. Go get qui-Gon and the others, will you?  
  
Skip leaves and Obi-Wan gets up and checks the seat behind him for Jello. He rolls his eyes when he sees that Skip was joking.  
  
Skip brings them back.  
  
Obi-Wan: I think this is where that disturbance you felt is centered, Qui- Gon.  
  
Qui-Gon: Yes. It is much stronger here.  
  
Obi-Wan: Those two apprentices can stay on the ship, and the rest of us can go find Darth Vader and his little friend.  
  
Rebecca: How come HE gets to go?  
  
Obi-Wan: You can come if you want to face almost certain death.  
  
Rebecca: Okay. I'll come.  
  
Skip: NOOOOOOOO!! You're not actually going to let her come, are you?  
  
Obi-Wan: Why shouldn't I?  
  
Skip: Because I say so.  
  
Obi-wan: Never mind him. He's just got a bit of an attitude problem.  
  
Skip: Hey!  
  
Obi-Wan: It's true.  
  
Aaron: Um.I'll stay here and guard the ship, I guess.  
  
They leave the ship.  
  
Obi-Wan: Let's check around that mountain. The dark force is strong there.  
  
Skip: That's it! That's the mountain that moved.  
  
Obi-Wan: I'm starting to think that's not too unlikely, after I felt that power.  
  
Qui-Gon: I wouldn't put something like that past a dark lord.  
  
Skip: I bet if I tried, I could move an even bigger mountain than any Dark Lord!!!  
  
Rebecca: I bet you couldn't.  
  
Skip ignores her.  
  
Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon exchange glances.  
  
Qui-Gon: I've got a splendid idea. Let's split. Rebecca and Skip go one way and we'll go the other.  
  
They both stare at him. Qui-Gon smiles at them rather evilly and walks away with obi-wan. They both walk quickly behind some trees, and when they are safely out of sight, obi-wan bursts out laughing.  
  
Obi-Wan: You are evil, Qui-Gon. Truly evil.  
  
Qui-Gon smiles wickedly for a second and then turns more serious.  
  
Qui-Gon: But it was necessary. They need to resolve their differences so we can concentrate on the mission at hand.  
  
Obi-Wan: Trust me, Skip won't be that eager to forgive and forget. He's not that type of person at all.  
  
Qui-Gon: Takes after you.  
  
Obi-Wan: Takes after me? What about takes after you?  
  
Qui-Gon: It's entirely an insult, you know.  
  
Obi-Wan thinks for a second.  
  
Obi-Wan: Maybe not.  
  
Qui-Gon: He's not such a bad kid.  
  
Obi-Wan: Easy for you to say! He's not your apprentice.  
  
Rebecca starts to walk away from Skip to the mountain.  
  
Skip: Hey! Where are you going?  
  
Rebecca: To search the mountain. Like we're SUPPOSED to be doing.  
  
Skip: Well, what do you expect me to do about it?  
  
Rebecca looks at him strangely.  
  
Rebecca: Nothing. I was all set to leave you right there.  
  
She continues to walk off, carefully, staying in the shadows. Skip hesitates, and then follows.  
  
Skip: I want you to know I'm only following you cause Obi-Wan would kill me if something happened to you.  
  
Rebecca: Oh good.  
  
Skip walks faster, overtaking her.  
  
Rebecca: Why do you have to be in front?  
  
Skip: Because. I'm the oldest.  
  
Rebecca: Big deal. You're also the stupidest.  
  
Skip stops suddenly. Rebecca almost runs into him.  
  
Skip: SHhh!  
  
Rebecca: I wasn't talking.  
  
Skip: Shut up! I can see a ship.  
  
Rebecca goes around a couple of trees and sees what he's talking about: a rather large imperial transport.  
  
Rebecca: Come on. Let's get closer.  
  
Skip: Don't be an idiot! There could be someone dangerous on there.  
  
Rebecca: Exactly.  
  
Skip: Well, then..I'll go onto the ship. You stay here and get Obi-Wan if something happens to me.  
  
Rebecca: Why should you go?  
  
Skip is already halfway to the ship. He sneaks into the ship. He ducks into the first room he comes by. There is someone sitting in a chair there, twiddling with a lightsaber.  
  
Person: What are you doing in here?  
  
Skip: (frantically) How can you see me? I'm supposed to be invisible!  
  
Person: Your invisibility needs work.  
  
Skip: Who are you?  
  
Person: First tell me who you are, and why I shouldn't turn you in right now.  
  
Skip: I'm skip. And you shouldn't turn me in because...because..because you're a nice person?  
  
Person: Not quite the answer I was looking for.  
  
Skip: Now tell me who YOU are.  
  
Lance: My name is lance. I'm Darth Vader's very superior apprentice.  
  
Skip: Lance? What kind of a name is that. You sound like some sort of ancient weapon.  
  
Lance: Don't push me. You have no idea what I'm capable of.  
  
Skip: So you're the one who moved that mountain.  
  
Lance: Yes. I take pride in that accomplishment. I thought of using it to squash Vader, but I decided not to.  
  
Skip: Teach me how to do that.  
  
Lance: No. Vader will be back soon. You'd better be leaving.  
  
Skip: You won't tell him about me, will you?  
  
Lance: If you don't tell your master about me.  
  
Skip: Deal!  
  
They shake hands.  
  
Skip leaves and meets Rebecca outside the ship.  
  
Skip: There wasn't anyone there.  
  
Rebecca: You sure spent an awfully long time checking out an empty ship.  
  
Skip: I..was..just...VERY thorough.  
  
Rebecca: Yeah. Sure.  
  
Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon walk silently through a forest. Suddenly they round a corner and enter a clearing only to find a huge cliff staring them in the face.  
  
Qui-Gon: I guess here is where we turn back.  
  
Obi-Wan: can't we get up there somehow?  
  
Qui-Gon: Well, yes, I'm sure its possible, but I don't believe we'll find anything.  
  
Obi-Wan: What makes you think that?  
  
Qui-Gon: Just a feeling.  
  
Obi-Wan: Well.if you say so. Let's go see if Skip found anything.  
  
They walk back in the direction they had come from.  
  
Skip, rebecca, obi-wan, and qui-gon meet up in a clearing.  
  
Obi-Wan: So, did you guys find anything.  
  
Rebecca: Well, we---  
  
Skip(puts his hand firmly across her mouth): --most definitely did not find anything. Nope. Nothing at all. Very definite nothingness. Extremely emphatic emptiness.  
  
Obi-Wan: Skip...  
  
Skip: Well, okay, so maybe we found a ship, but just a small one, and there was absolutely positively nobody on it. Nobody at all. Yeah. NO one.  
  
Rebecca pulls Skip's hand away.  
  
Rebecca: Am I the only one who thinks he's hiding something?  
  
Qui-Gon: (pointedly) Oh, I'm sure Skip wouldn't LIE to us.  
  
Rebecca: Oh yes he would-  
  
Skip puts his hand back over her mouth.  
  
Skip: --not. Oh yes he would not, that's what she was about to say, right? So let's just leave now, why don't we? No point in staying here any longer!  
  
Qui-Gon: Just let me speak to obi-wan for a minute. Privately.  
  
Qui-Gon and obi-wan walk away from them.  
  
Rebecca: Now see what you've done?  
  
Skip: WHAT? I didn't do anything. If you'd just played along everything would have gone just fine.  
  
Rebecca: Oh, I seriously doubt that. You could definitely use some acting lessons.  
  
Skip: As though YOU could have done any better.  
  
Obi-Wan: What do you think?  
  
Qui-Gon: He's hiding something, all right.  
  
Obi-wan: Tell me something I don't know.  
  
Qui-Gon: He could definitely use some acting lessons.  
  
Obi-wan: (sarcastically) I'll see what I can do.  
  
Qui-Gon: I vote we stay on this planet for a while until we can find out what got him all worked up.  
  
Obi-Wan: My thoughts exactly. But we'll have to keep him busy and out of our way while we do some searching.  
  
Qui-Gon: Why don't you just put him in charge of training the new apprentices?  
  
Obi-Wan: I don't know that that's the greatest idea you've ever had. (looks significantly over at Skip and rebecca, who are busy glaring at each other)  
  
Qui-Gon: Well, if you come up with something better, let me know.  
  
Obi-Wan: Personally, I doubt that it'll keep him distracted enough to not wonder where we're going, but I guess it's the best plan we've got.  
  
They walk back over and the four of them head back to the ship.  
  
Obi-Wan and skip sit down at a small table within the ship and study some documents.  
  
Obi-Wan: So, skip.I've got some news for you.and I think I'd better break this to you gently.  
  
Skip: Uh....  
  
Obi-Wan: You are hereby in charge of training the new apprentices.  
  
Skip: What! NO! You'd can't do this to me! I mean, I mean, I mean, there's got to be some law against a mere padawan training people! Please don't make meeeeeeeee!  
  
Obi-Wan: There is no such law. Probably only because it was assumed that no Master would be stupid enough to put in apprentice in charge of such a vital thing as early training. But stupidity or no stupidity, this is my decision.  
  
Qui-Gon walks in, with rebecca and aaron.  
  
Rebecca: What are you people talking about?  
  
Qui-Gon: My superior sense of intuition tells me that Skip has just been informed that he is now in charge of training you two.  
  
Rebecca: What! NO! You can't do this to me! I mean, I mean, I mean, there's got to be some law against a mere padawan training people!  
  
Obi-Wan: (grinning a bit) There is no such law.  
  
Lance is sitting at the same table he was before, eating potato chips.(  
  
DV walks in.  
  
Darth Vader: What are you doing?  
  
Lance: Eating potato chips. Duh.  
  
Vader: There has been a visitor here. I can sense it, Darth Sirbez.  
  
Lance: My NAME is Lance.  
  
Vader: Who has been here? ANSWER ME(  
  
Lance: you're sensing things, Master.  
  
Vader: Do not speak to me like that! Someone has been here.  
  
Lance: Yeah. Me.  
  
He walks toward Vader, pats him on the back, and walks out of the room.  
  
Han, Luke, Leia are on the Millenium Falcon.  
  
Luke: How much longer?  
  
Leia: About four hours.  
  
Luke: How much longer?  
  
Leia: Han, give him his medicine.  
  
Han: No way! He bit me last time I did that, remember? (holds up a bandaged hand)  
  
Leia: Well, I'm not giving it to him.  
  
Luke: How much longer?  
  
Han: You mean until we get there, or until I knock you unconscious?  
  
Luke: Uh...  
  
Suddenly, the Millenium Falcon reverts to realspace. Immediately Han jumps up and starts checking the computer displays.  
  
Luke: Oooooh, big ship!  
  
Han: I have a bad feeling about this.  
  
Leia: you say that way too much, you know.  
  
Han: Yeah, but this time I really mean it. That's an Interdictor Cruiser. Only the Empire uses them.  
  
Evil Music  
  
Leia: Can you get us out of here?  
  
Han: No. That star destroyer has got its tractor beam on us.  
  
Leia: I've got a bad feeling about this.  
  
On the imperial star destroyer:  
  
Grand Admiral Kazaki: They fell right into our trap.  
  
Aki: Yes, sir. Um, but sir..  
  
Kazaki (sigh): Yes, Commander?  
  
Aki: I can't help but say, sir, that I have a very bad feeling about this.  
  
Skip and aaron and rebecca are in a room on the SparrowHawk. Skip glares at them.  
  
Skip: So, we're going to do some, um, lightsaber practice.  
  
Rebecca: Why?  
  
Skip: Because I said so.  
  
Rebecca: Why?  
  
Skip: Well, my brain fired a neurotransmittion to my mouth, which opened.  
  
Rebecca: Why?  
  
Skip: Is it just me or are you starting to sound like luke?  
  
Rebecca: Why?  
  
Skip: Well, he always sounds like an idiot, and you're starting to sound like an idiot too.  
  
Rebecca: Not as much as you are.  
  
Skip: Shut up.  
  
rebecca: Why?  
  
Skip: I wonder if anybody has any of Luke's medicine around here?  
  
Aaron: Um.can we.um, you know, start practicing, maybe?  
  
Simultaneously:  
  
Skip: Yes.  
  
Rebecca: No.  
  
Obi-wan enters the room.  
  
Obi-Wan: Made any progress?  
  
Skip: Oh, yeah. Plenty.  
  
Rebecca: Yeah. We're really moving along here.  
  
Obi-wan: Well, I think I'll just sit here and watch you for a while. 


End file.
